Thursday, October 14, 2004


I’m am fu**ing blowing it here. What the hell is going on. I feel lost. I feel confused. And for the first time in my life I feel stupid. I feel like I am incapable of keeping up. I’m stuck in a rut and I can’t get out of it. I’ve had a chance, that door has been opened, and I keep walking by it. This must change and it must change now for the last thing I want to do is fail my family. ASNF (A Son Never Forgets) “Finish strong Son!”
Its go hard or go home. This going is getting tough for once in my life and I’ve been giving in. I need to nip it in the bud.
How did I get in this rut?
Not being prepared. I was raised to always be prepared, but I though I could just take it all by storm. I wasn’t organized in my approach. I wasn’t ready when I thought I was. I fell behind and thought I could catch up easily and slack off like I did last year. There are  a few things I need to realize. This is an ivy league school. Some of the most brilliant people in the world are right here along-side me. There is no reason, however, that I should say that I can’t be the best here. I’ve always been one of the best, and now I’m feeling like I suck. I know what its like to be told I can’t do something, and I’ve never submitted before, but I feel like I have a voice inside saying I should give up and that this is not what I am meant for. I have to agree that I feel like this is not what I was meant to do but at the same time I have never been a quitter.
I forfeited one homework for math already because I felt that it would give me time to get caught up. I have not gotten caught up and when I was at the point where I could have, where I was ready to go to office hours and have everything completed ahead of time I fucked up again.
I am caught in-between mixed messages, I feel like people  and friends are the things I care about the most, but our world does not emphasize such things. Our world places its faith in money, in celebrity, in the success that someone has defined as making lots of money. That is not my success, my success is in people. In having a loving family. My success is in being who I want to be.
Here inlays my quandary. I want to be also seen as successful because I am conscious of what others think of me. This is where and why I push myself as I have. Nothing is ever good enough because I want to be the best. Right now and always, I am not good enough for myself. I have always had a first place complex, I have always strived for perfection, but for some reason that is not of as much consequence now as I wish it to be.
Maybe this is due to the fact that I am not enjoying what I am doing, or rather what I am studying.
I used to enjoy math. It was a unique challenge that proved useful to the world around us. I could see using it in various applications, using it for every-day stuff.
I now feel lost in its theory for I always saw math as a concrete study in which we were given the fact. When we were given some formula it had a very real purpose, a very concrete reason for its application in every-day life. I no longer see that connection in everyday life. As I get into the higher levels of my study I find that every class relies on this background in calculus, this integration and derivations. I don’t know that I learned everything in Calculus 2 and 3 that I needed to. I merely got the grade I wanted and got out. That is not the way I want my learning to be. I want to learn because of a desire to learn, because of a thirst for knowledge that I used to have.
Maybe I need to spend some time away from the scholarly realm. This, however, would only waste time I feel in the end. I would fall behind all those in my age group. They would be off in the real world with real jobs while I am still waiting for my calling. I don’t, and have never wanted to, be at the rear of the pack, but I feel like I am the caboose on this Cornell Freight Train and am about to be bumped off.
I really what to get back on track, I really do, but I almost feel like I need a break. I keep telling myself breaks are for p***ies, just make it through. And that seems to be what I need to do. Life seems shorter and shorter by the day and I have so much that I want to do.
There again is a problem. I have never wanted to concentrate myself. I have never wanted to be labeled. I have wanted to be like the alpha and the omega. I have always wanted to be nothing and be everything. I want to be the best. I want to be good at everything. I want to experience it all. I want to experience the extremes, starvation and luxury, brilliance and stupidity, poverty, military, everything. I always want to be able to say I’ve been there, that I’ve done that. I want to be rich in the eyes and in the hands. I want to do manual labor, it brings a certain inner piece. I want to live in nature, with nature, live within a hairline of death, just to have that experience, just to know others' pain.
Maybe that is what It all comes down to. I want to know what others feel so I can relate. I want to know the emotions of the world so I can solve the worlds problems. Like the Giver, have the experience and memories or everything and everyone.
And maybe it just boils down to insecurity. Maybe it means that I am just looking to be loved. I am looking to be loved while I am blind, while I show no love toward those who love me the most.
I shadow them from my affection for fear of hurting them. For fear of rejection, for fear of failing them and thereby hurting them. If they don’t know me, I can’t hurt them. But at the same time it may hurt as much to not know and have your love reciprocated.
God loves me but to I love back? My family loves me, but do I love them back? Yes I do. Do I openly show that love? Never.

Now I ask myself, was it worth forfeiting another math assignment for this? Is there any self realization that comes from this? Is this math assignment going to affect my future? Everything effects our future, everything happens for a reason. God truth and reason will shine through. I have written this for a reason. Just as this paper has a purpose, I too have a purpose, a self realization to come upon. I am God’s child.